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Life Lessons

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just kiss-off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet..

6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience … and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you are not learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butt …. then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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Things you can only get away with saying on Thanksgiving

01. Talk about a huge breast!
02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
03. It’s Cool Whip time!
04. If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!
05. That’s one terrific spread!
06. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
07. Are you ready for seconds yet?
08. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
09. Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
10. Don’t play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all of that!

Donkey vs Turkey

If the Indians had give the Pilgrims a donkey instead of  a turkey, we’d all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving.

Laughter

Laughing is the best medicine.  Unless you’re laughing to no reason… then you need medicine.

Tomatoes

I have always wondered what tomatoes did to make the other fruits disown them and force them to live as vegetables?

Evening News

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.